


persist, my love

by Squidbitch



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-16
Updated: 2018-10-16
Packaged: 2019-08-02 21:07:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16312739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squidbitch/pseuds/Squidbitch
Summary: This has to do with sexual assault so please proceed with caution, and do not read this if that triggers you. ❤





	persist, my love

Juno wouldn't say that he's  _ hypersexual,  _ but he wouldn't say that he's not. Sex is just a really easy way to relieve a lot of shit. Tension in his muscles, and his brain. He's good at it, too, so even if the case today was shittier than usual, even if he can't do that right, he can have sex right, can't he? 

That's how it usually is, anyways. Nureyev is especially good at taking him away from all the bad memories lurking I'm his mind. He does it whenever he thinks Juno needs it, and Peter is good at reading people.

Juno's tied up. His forearms wrapped together with tight rope, and he let's them lay against his stomach. There's a blindfold covering Juno's eyes-if Juno tried, he could see a small bit through the blindfold with the lights on- only with his organic eye, though. As much as he likes the new cybernetic one, not owned by Ramses, he would much rather have his old one back. Juno doesn't strain to see, though, and when Peter turns the light off, he guesses that it wouldn't have mattered in the first place. 

“Juno.” Peter whispers as he skims his lips down Juno's neck, letting his long, manicured nails skate on his throat like he plans to choke him. He dips his fingers of his other hand lower, twisting his pierced nipples. Juno’s breath goes ragged. “You're so pretty for me right now. So gorgeous, taking what I give you, you pretty little thing.” Part of Juno hates that Peter's saying all this, because he  _ knows _ better. He knows he isn't one thing that Peter says, no matter how badly he wants to be. He doesn't deserve kind words, or all these loving touches. Juno really doesn't understand why Peter doesn't do whatever he wants. 

Just then, he sucks a bruise into the junction of his hip. Then there's teeth. Cutting into his skin enough that Juno moans at it. 

There's something about that that Juno can't take. Peter doesn't get anything out of touching Juno this way, and he doesn't understand a single bit of it. Peter should just use him for whatever he wants, fuck him and not give a damn if he feels good in the process. He feels gross and disgusting right now. Doesn't Peter know who he is? What he's done? He doesn't deserve Peter worshipping his body like some sacred thing anymore than he deserves to be alive. He deserves to be locked up in a small box, shut away until no one ever has to see his ugly mug again. 

_ He hates himself _ . His nails dig into his palms, and he wants to ask Peter to punish him in some way, but he's afraid that his voice will sound too thick. Who the hell cries during sex anyways? He is weak and stupid, and not enough for  _ anyone, ever. _

His hands are still on him, and his mind is in such a dark place right now, it automatically goes to a time when he was much younger. Different, bigger hands would touch him, not in the same way. Even the contrast contaminates it, though. It doesn't matter that its Peter's hands, because the sexual way he touches him is a reminder of  _ him _ . He feels both there with Peter Nureyev, and the feeling of a man from a lifetime ago. He remembers the feeling of a gun in his hands when he said  _ if you touch me again I'm going to blow your brains out _ , and that man called his empty threat, and just-

“Stop!” Juno gasps and he's so scared and weird-feeling right now, he isn't even sure who he's screaming at. Part of him remembers where he is, who he is with and says another word even if Peter has already stopped touching him. “Halcyon.” He's still gasping, is he having a panic attack? “Halcyon.”

Peter is frantic in his movements, as he takes off Juno's blindfold before handling the restraints.  He's breathing hard and fast right now, his mind feels in a million different places. Disassociation. Rita once made him read a book on trauma, and that's what this is. He used to not even recognize it, and when he lived with Sarah he used to think it was just his brain being all screwed up from all the drugs he did. 

He keeps looking around, trying to make sense of where he is and what he's doing. 

“-please, Juno. I'm so sorry, did I do something wrong, or-”

He tries to say that he's fine, that it wasn't his fault, but instead a sob tears itself through his throat, and tears are rolling down his face without ever thinking of Juno's thoughts on the matter. 

Peter looks absolutely horrified. “Juno?” He says, wide eyed and worried. 

“I'm sorry.” He sobs. All he is is an easy lay, and without that? Nothing. He's fucking nothing. He digs his nails into his skull, and curls into a fetal position. 

Peter touches him then, and he leans into it. It's not because it's Peter, and it isn't because he had some sort of epiphany or some shit. It isn't meant to be romantic, or for the cinematic viewing he just needs to be comforted. He needs non sexual human touch. He wants to scream. To let out the knot in his chest that has gathered. 

He learns where he is. After Peter tells him a few times. He's in his apartment, in Hyperion City. Peter is holding him in his arms, caring, loving. 

“Breathe, Juno. You will be fine, just focus on breathing, darling.”

He closes his eyes, because he keeps trying to see too much, and keeps getting overwhelmed with all of it. It's terrible, grueling, it's hard work. Part of Juno wants to just give up. To let this whole ugly world take who he is, swallow him whole. 

Instead, he pulls himself back to the present. It's about as easy as climbing a slick wall, and about as fun as walking on glass. He breathes in the way that Rita would help him do after a case that hit a little too close to home. He counts to seven in, holds his breath, breathes out for seven more seconds. Nureyev wipes away his tears, and pushes his hair out of his face. “Back with me?” Nureyev asks, nervous. 

Juno just nods silently, his adrenaline rush crashing. He can feel himself still shaking faintly, and he wishes he wasn't. “clothes?” Juno mutters. Nureyev laughs softly, still clearly worried. He grabs the clothes that Juno had on earlier, and Juno- his shaking hands be damned- successfully wriggles into his sweatpants and T-shirt. Peter puts on his own shirt and boxers. “I'm sorry.” Juno mumbles, heart heavy in his chest. 

Nureyev sit back down next to him, and kisses his forehead. “Nothing to apologize for, dear. Would you tell me what happened, though? Just to make sure we don't get in this sort of predicament again?”

He wonders if Peter really means the whole “ _ Nothing to apologize for _ ” shit, because Juno sure as hell doesn't. “Today's been…” Juno knits his eyebrows, struggling for the right words. “Bad?” Understatement of the century, but it's not like he's got a lot of options. “A lot of-of memories, flashbacks or whatever.” He tries to say it off handedly, because he doesn't want Peter to freak out. But he doesn't. That surprises him just a little. He doesn't make a big deal out of knowing, just bites his lip, and forms a crease between his brow that only happens when he's really upset. “I-I  _ thought _ , that because sex sometimes helps it, makes me feel like it's my body to do with what I want or whatever. Makes me feel like I'm worth something, even if that something is just being fucked, that's what I thought anyways. And most of the time, I guess it does, just not-like- this time.”

Peter holds him a little tighter. Juno tucks his head into Peter's shoulder and he  _ tries _ . He tries really  _ really  _ hard to feel safe in his arms like this. But instead he feels raw and open, at the mercy of something he's never done before. What was it that Rita said? Things have to get worse before they get better? 

“Juno,” Nureyev says, soft and beautiful, in the way that only Peter Nureyev's voice can sound. “I want to know. It may not be my place to ask, and you can say no if you're at all uncomfortable.” He turns Juno's face to his worry lined in his face, and Juno can feel his stomach tense from where he's sitting. “I want to know what the memories were.”

He doesn't say anything for a long time, just grits his teeth and looks at Peter's hands laced in his own. 

“I was-” He chews the inside of his cheek. 

Peter laces a hand through Juno's. He feels nauseous just at the thought of saying it out loud. But he does want to. He's never said it out loud. Hardly even admitted it to himself, but he wants to admit it. To acknowledge what happened. “he like- Sexually, uh,” His legs are shaking and  _ god dammit _ , why the  _ hell _ does he feel so scared? “did  _ stuff _ y'know- to me.” He rips it from his throat. 

He breathes deep. Does those stupid exercises, and keeps himself in the present. He focuses on the warmth of Nureyev's body, and the beating of his heart. He's okay. He's fine. 

Peter grips his hand, and he thanks the universe that it gives him something to hold onto, to anchor him. “I..” Juno's breath catches in his throat as he remembers that his boyfriend is about to pass judgement on him. “I'm so sorry, Juno.”

He says it in the same way that he said he was sorry that Ben died. Ringing with truth and empathy. He honestly doesn't want to hear an “I'm sorry”, because he's heard it enough. But it isn't what he said that startles Juno, makes something -  _ some feeling that he won't name even in his mind, not yet _ \- bloom in his chest. It's his actions. His action that he does, which is clenching his fists until his nails must be digging into his palms. The look of anger that shows on his face. 

He's never seen that kind of hatred on his face before. Or any hatred at all, but it's clear to Juno that it's true. See, everyone has a “tell”, and if you know your tell, then you can become great at lying if you can learn to control it. Juno knows Peter's, and he isn't doing one of them. Even if Juno didn't know them, there's always that feeling when they're alone, like he's taken off a mask. Like he's let down his guard. 

“Nureyev?” Juno questions. “Are you-”

“Fine.” Peter grits out and then takes a breath, the tension leaving his body. He's composing himself. “I would love to know his name, I believe I need to make sure someone is very  _ not fine at all _ .”

Juno feels that feeling in his chest again, and it can't stay contained there anymore. He can't help it. Peter Nureyev is angry, and on the verge of murder because he  _ loves Juno _ , and that does something to a lady. “Not now.” He lifts up and kisses Peter on the nose. 

He looks surprised, and there's a certain satisfaction that comes with catching Nureyev off guard. 

His voice sounds small, but that's how it gets when he's like this. 

“Thank you.”


End file.
